Healin(g) [Closed][M]

Subject: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Sun Jun 03, 2012 6:59 am

It had felt good to rid himself of the clothing Jenova had given him, and as Kadaj looked upon them - draped over the chair in the corner of the room - he wondered if he could bring himself to put them back on. Thinking of her, his fingers traced lightly over the shard that now hung around his neck, a light frown appearing on his young features as he wondered what it did.

He had already come to conclusions of what it meant.

Kadaj lightly flicked back his still damp hair and padded over to the wardrobe, his toes curling into the carpet as he walked. He couldn't recall having ever been barefoot on a carpet before, it had always been stone or wood - it was like the shower, he had never been in one before that afternoon. Green eyes rolled at the absurdity of the slight elation he felt at getting to do 'normal' things. It wouldn't last, and he couldn't decide whether that meant to enjoy them all the more, or to ignore the experiences in favour of not missing them later.

The wardrobe yielded a three-piece black suit and white shirt - he wasn't sure what he had been expecting but it would have to do. He left the shirt un-tucked, the first few buttons undone so he didn't feel as claustrophobic, and the jacket was placed back on the hanger, a wary Kadaj glancing over himself in the mirror with a sigh.

"This was a mistake..." he muttered, lip curling slightly at how like a Turk he looked. He turned to the Jenova-given clothing and then back to the mirror. "But it will do."

After several minutes standing in the middle of the room, mind completely blank, he decided it was time for him to eat again. He hadn't been making a habit of it, and his new body wasn't seeming appreciative of that.

He tentatively opened the door, not wanting to run into anyone considering how he was dressed, slipping out of the room only when he was certain no one was in the corridor.

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Sun Jun 03, 2012 7:49 am

It had not taken long to reach Healin and since his arrival time had passed. Sephiroth had taken the time to speak with the weapon crafters and had given directions for an order to be placed to a sword smith from Wutai. The man had not had work in many years, not after the weapon he was so well known for. After the shredding of his clothing Sephiroth now had acquired new ones, a simple pair of black pants and black shirt, clothing created for battle.

The belt of SOLDIER had returned across his waist, the straps serving as they once had to hold a weapon and for the moment the only one across his back was the Buster Sword that had not yet been returned to Zack.

Sephiroth turned down the hallway to move back towards the room he had been assigned but stopped as soon as the teen appeared.

Kadaj... the one he had created. He was the only one with them now as he had abandoned Jenova. Footsteps echoed as Sephiroth moved to walk past the teen. He needed to return to the room, do his job of making sure that Zack did not try to escape.

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Sun Jun 03, 2012 7:59 am

Kadaj leant against the door as Sephiroth passed, trying not to give him the contemptuous glare he could feel building up inside of him. Of course the General had managed to find clothing that not only fit, but also suited him - he understood all too well how easily his 'brother' could throw on any garment handed to him and make it look as though it had been tailored for his frame, and how that was yet another thing that Yazoo had inherited from him that Kadaj had not.

He give a quiet sigh and forced himself to walk behind him ("Forever in his shadow...") as the kitchen was in the same direction.

At the first opportunity he slipped past the older man, his hand catching the railing of the staircase as he glanced over his shoulder with a smirk. "Just when I thought that sword couldn't look any more ridiculous," he purred. "You do look quite comical, brother."

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Sun Jun 03, 2012 8:34 am

"It is a weapon, and I would sooner not be without one."

Sephiroth's gaze flickered back over towards Kadaj. He did not care for his assessment of the weapon. Before it had been Angeal's weapon, and after him Zack's. The least he could do was keep it from any more unnecessary bloodshed. But certainly Kadaj would never understand that, things like friendship were undoubtedly beyond him. Sephiroth turned towards the other for a moment.

He was not keen to return to the room, knowing that Zack was there, as was the confusion prompted by the fact that he had enjoyed that kiss and Zack's words, about her presence making one do what deep in their soul they may desire to do but common sense stops them. It hinted that deep down Zack desired to kiss him, and something had felt right about it.

But Zack was his friend and he did not even understand his own desires. He would only hurt him.

"Kadaj, whatever happened to your desire to return to her?"

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Sun Jun 03, 2012 9:03 am

Kadaj would have been contented with Sephiroth's answer, nodded and moved on had it not been for his question. His step faltered and his toes clung to the edge of the stair he was stood on as he contemplated the answer that not even he himself knew fully.

"She held the lives of others above those of her true sons," he said quietly, not turning to face him. "Even if she had recognised us for who we are, those most loyal to her... I know that everything that I have done for her means nothing. She only wants us for what we can become - who I can become. I am not enough for her as I am because I will forever be incomplete."

He slowly turned now, looking up at the face that had haunted him every day since returning to life, the red shard glittering against his chest. "As long as I am away from her, and away from my brothers - my real brothers - then they are safe from feeling the emptiness she has left inside of me."

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Sun Jun 03, 2012 9:16 am

"Zack..."

The one his thoughts were always one, the one who had kissed him, and kiss he could never dismiss. She was using him to carry out her actions, and that caused Sephiroth's mind to rage. She dared involve him and for that she would pay. He would not rest until she was dead. And still she sought to make them him. She would not rest until he had returned to her side.

And so let her be forever alone for he would never return to her.

"Kadaj, do you desire to feel? I can make it so."

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Sun Jun 03, 2012 10:07 am

"You don't truly know, do you?" Kadaj said quietly, an amused smirk forming on his lips again. "I am the darkness of the Lifestream called into form by your memories, the God you once wished to be. I prey on emotion and become the face of those who are lost to the Lifestream, take your pain and then return it ten fold. I cannot easily be harmed - except in your form - and I can be anywhere I wish to be with a mere thought."

He ascended the step and looked into Sephiroth's eyes. His voice was steady but his words were laced with ice. "I am what you fear to become, and I am more than you ever were."

He paused, his eyes closing as he turned his face away. "I can't even be near you without your pride flaring within me," he growled, more angry at himself than Sephiroth, slumping to the ground and leaning against the bannister. "Any time I feel like there could be some semblance of a self away from you and Jenova and it's swallowed by both. I am the worst of you combined with her, but unrestricted by any form of humanity or compassion or sense of needing something to worship me. I care for my brothers only because they are the parts of myself that were fragmented away... I don't deserve to feel anything than the emptiness and hatred I already have in abundance."

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Sun Jun 03, 2012 9:40 pm

A creature called into being, a child created from himself. If human terms were to be used, his own child. But no, Sephiroth had never thought of them in human terms, his sons. Yes, in a human mindset that was what they were, created of only his memories. There was a husky laugh as Kadaj continued and Sephiroth turned away. "To be human is to have strength."

His defeat had been at the hands of a single human, and only now that he had felt desperation did he understand it. This humanity that had been returned to him with his own return to this world. Sephiroth said nothing at Kadaj's rant. Yes, he had power, the same power that he himself had once had and now had given up.

As Kadaj reached the ground and continued to talk Sephiroth leaned down. He created this creature, a constant reminder of what he had done before he was returned. "That you feel at all is a sign of humanity."

He wanted to forget that kiss, needed to forget about it even as he fought to free Zack from her control. Sephiroth leaned forward and his lips lingered close to Kadaj. "Perhaps it has to do with my own humanity returning."

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Sun Jun 03, 2012 9:56 pm

Kadaj said nothing and looked away, biting back the comment that even this was something that Sephiroth sought to claim as his doing. He couldn't help but think of Loz and Yazoo, both already more human than he could ever be - they would adapt without him as long as they had each other. It had always been all that they had needed.

"If this is what it means to be human then I would rather be the monster I was before," he finally uttered quietly. "Now my brothers despise me, I'm not who my mother wishes me to be... I have no purpose. No reason. I merely am - and that is not enough. Before... I had reason, I had purpose... the lie that I was loved and needed. Now I know it was her way of luring me to my true role."

He opened his eyes and looked at Sephiroth with tears he didn't know he was capable of. "You will never understand what it means to know you are a cheap substitute for the real thing."

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 2:28 am

What was he meant to say? Sephiroth had felt sorry for no one, and even his friends had just accepted that it was the way he was. He had never truly had family, never known how to be family. Some would say that it was something you learned from your parents, but he never had parents. She had been the closest, and it was only a matter of being born of her cells.

As Kadaj began to talk Sephiroth drew back. If there was need to talk about emotions then he would be of no aid. His true strengths were in battle, not in expressing himself and sympathizing. To even speak of his own would be absurd.

Rather he wanted to tell the other to quit being a sniveling child, that he did not have time for this nonsense. But that was what he would do as a General to his men. He was never meant to be kind to them, but to teach them to survive and things such as emotions only weighed one down on the field of battle. There was not time for tears, tears of which Kadaj was shedding.

Angeal was always better at this, even Genesis probably would have. They had had a family to teach them. Perhaps it would be wiser to bring him back to the room. Certainly Zack would have some idea of what to do with him.

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 2:40 am

Kadaj wiped away the tears, hating that he must sound like an ungrateful brat. He knew everything that Sephiroth had been through, he knew that compared to the General's suffering he had experienced nothing.

"Imagine..." he began, frowning a little a little as he stood, brushing himself down, searching for any fragment from Sephiroth's life before that he could use to explain it. "Imagine you were with Zack and you found out that he was only with you because he couldn't have someone he wanted more. That you were the substitute because you were there, not because he wanted you. That is how I always feel... and... it might be nothing to you, a trifle... but this is my Nibelheim. This is everything I thought to be true falling away and leaving me not even knowing who I am. Just because I'm not killing everything in sight doesn't mean that I'm not feeling the way you did then."

He shook his head. "I thought you would at least understand that... no one else can."

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 3:55 am

He just had to mention Zack, the man who he had become so enraged with Jenova over. She had dared take him, and yes, he told himself it was because he was his friend. But there was still that kiss, the one his mind kept returning to. He could not forget about it, how it had felt. It had been pleasant, and it had felt warm, like it was meant to happen.

Normally he would have recoiled and certainly there were other ways to disarm him. He hadn't needed to press back, to kiss him back. But the memories of Zack's tongue against his own, the taste, they refused to leave his mind. The next words were snapped and came out harsher than he intended. "There is nothing between Zack Fair and myself outside of camaraderie and friendship."

There was a sigh as Kadaj continued. "I understand... what... it is like."

Sephiroth didn't know even how to talk with him, what he needed to say. As he had told Angeal when he had heard of him taking a student. Some people were not meant to be parents.

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 4:10 am

Kadaj gave the glimmer of a smile at his strong protestation against the thought of Zack. "I am you, remember?" He chuckled very softly. "However if you wish to insist it, then I am not going to argue."

He wasn't going to remind him of the tentative links that still remained from their merging, or the tendrils that Jenova had between all her 'children'. He wasn't going to remind him of the kiss he already knew the elder would not be able to shake from his mind.

He gently rest his hand on Seph's arm, a gesture he had seen Yazoo do with Loz many times but never understood. "Thank you. For understanding. I... Hmm..."

He didn't have the words any more, instead giving a small shrug and returning to the previous topic. "Maybe one day you'll find enough humanity for us both and I'll encounter what you so desperately deny," he said. "For someone with the appearance of my age it's quite sad that I have yet to be kissed."

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 7:08 am

Sephiroth's gaze locked on the teen that he would dare insinuate that he had indeed been refusing to admit something, The green eyes locked on the other as he watched him for a moment as the teen continued. The hand touched his bare arm, the contact unusual, especially from the other. The fingers were warm against his bare skin. He felt the touch and he looked at Kadaj. He seemed to almost be at a loss of words before he changed the subject.

"And what do you suggest I am denying Kadaj."

He didn't need this from a remnant that had only been alive for a total of a matter of weeks assuming things about him, things that he himself had yet to understand. "Perhaps given your new humanity you should find someone who would be willing to give you that chance Kadaj."

He had never loved as far as he understood, but kissing, sex, yes, but it had been meaningless.

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 7:36 am

It hadn't taken much time to understand what he had felt through the connection with Jenova, not after he felt it between the two Turks, one of which was barely attached and yet he could feel it so strongly from him. He had felt that jolt from Sephiroth and Zack at the same moment, and again it had taken little to deduce what it had meant.

His hand dropped and he shrugged. "Nothing, I'm suggestion nothing," he said lightly, knowing that it wasn't going to go anywhere. "It makes no difference what I say until you're ready to open yourself to the possibility - you're worse than me in that way."

He ran his fingers through his hair, noting it was much drier now. "Hmm, which do you suggest? The man you deny, the man that killed us both, the boy I corrupted to Jenova, the man who kept her from me..? My choices are few seeing as a single touch will give Mother a new play toy, and I feel none of those would be receptive of me in any condition other than deceased."

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 9:18 am

Sephiroth turned back towards Kadaj as he spoke and his gaze flickered towards him for a moment. Slowly a sigh escaped as Sephiroth's head dropped forward. When he could not even understand his own emotions for the other and his desire to feel the kiss again. But that was unacceptable. "And you think that this possibility that I may love him."

No, he didn't even understand the word. Love had forever been foreign to him, having never been shown it.

"Then that is your own problem Kadaj. I cannot aid when you do not ask."

He was not the one who made the choice, the one who would offer Kadaj an answer... but perhaps there was an answer. "If there is a desire to know how it feel there is another option."

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 9:25 am

"When I do not ask?" His brow furrowed again, a habit he was getting into more of late. He examined Sephiroth for a moment, wondering what it was that he was thinking, unsure if he was taking the inclination correctly.

"It's pure curiosity," he ventured truthfully. He had no desire to avail himself to romantic notions, not at that stage - there was to much to be done to be distracted by emotions he had no control over. "How something so simple can evoke such a reaction in people. It makes no sense."

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 9:48 am

Sephiroth did not ask permission, there was no doubt in his action. Somehow he had to sort this, he had to understand why that kiss was once again in his mind. Was it just because of the time it had been or was there something more, something he did not understand. The best option was to test it against another to decide if that kiss with Zack had been something more than just the fact that it had been a very long time.

He leaned down and his lips pressed against Kadaj's.

If this was what he was curious about then he could use that to come to his own solution.

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 9:56 am

Kadaj wasn't sure that he had expected what happened, and the feel of Sephiroth's lips against his own was strange, but not unpleasant. With him so close he could feel the natural heat of the General's body and his own moved towards it without instruction, one arm tentatively running up his side, the other hand resting lightly on his hip.

He leant into the kiss for a long moment before pulling back ever so slightly with a soft "Hmm" and then leaning in and pressing his lips to those of his brother's again.

Perhaps there was some merit to the reason people enjoyed doing this.

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 7:28 pm

It was nice, but it was like any kiss. It was not like it had been with Zack. The touches seemed almost shy, so unusual when thinking of Kadaj. The familial connection was only in name itself, as he had only created Kadaj. There had never been any sort of bond with him, no family. So there was no logic that wanted to say that this was wrong.

Kadaj returned to his lips and Sephiroth's own parted and pressed his tongue between Kadaj's lips. It swiped between them as Sephiroth pressed him back. He drew back from the warm body. It wasn't the same, no, Kadaj did not make his body burn like Zack's kiss had. It was just a kiss, not something to keep his mind on it. Still he thought so often on it.

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 9:51 pm

Kadaj pulled back and licked his lips, looking at Sephiroth thoughtfully. "That was pleasant enough, I suppose," he mused with a small shrug. "A little... clinical? Perhaps I expected too much of you..."

His eyes roamed over the General, the glimmer of an idea in the back of his mind - Sephiroth had been dead at one point. His eyes darted in the direction of Zack's room with the fainted hint of a smirk.

So had he.

It was almost too easy.

"Maybe I should see Zack," he pondered with a slight purr. "See if maybe he just has a thing for silver hair..."

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 10:25 pm

It was anger that had emerged, pure rage, and it caused Sephiroth to move in an instant. Green eyes blazed as his hand slammed forcefully against the wall. No, he would not let Kadaj touch Zack. Perhaps his own emotions still confused him, as the sudden rage just had, but he would sooner be dead once again. A feral growl escaped from within and there was a light of the man that had murdered so many at Shinra's command, the great war hero.

"Do not touch Zack," Sephiroth's voice was a snarl as he stared down at Kadaj.

The rage continued to burn a path through him, seeming to consume him.

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 10:47 pm

Kadaj moved closer to Sephiroth with a smirk, his lips almost brushing against the General's. "That's more like it," he purred, green eyes shining with amusement. "The passion, the power... This is what made people fall to their knees and swoon at the thought of you. The intoxicating strength. The man who knew what he wanted and took it without apology."

He moved his face back but kept his body close. "I'm sure he would be more than willing to give me what I seek," he continued, tracing a finger along the arm that blocked his way. "Do you think you can stop me, General?"

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 11:32 pm

"And what would make you think I enjoy the entire city swooning before me?"

At least in terms of the fan clubs they became rather annoying, but the fear served to keep them somewhat in their place. The glare remained on Kadaj until he continued talking. A hand moved to grab a handful of Kadaj's jacket and lift him from the ground. The hand stroked his arm and the glare remained. "If you were dead it would certainly stop you, would it not?"

Sephiroth didn't even know why he was so enraged, what it was about Zack that the idea of anyone so much as touching him sent him into such a rage.

Subject: Re: Healin(g) [Closed][M] Mon Jun 04, 2012 11:43 pm

Kadaj caught Sephiroth's hand as it reached for him, grinning as he forces it back down - his strength for once more than the General's, though it was by no means an easy feat to move him.

"You couldn't kill me if you tried," he sighed almost woefully. "Her strength has been taken from you, where she has given me more. I may have been the puppet once, but no longer."

He leant in. "Feel free to prove me wrong," he purred in his ear.